When Teaching Emotional Intelligence Will NOT Work

Not every situation is appropriate for teaching emotional intelligence to your child. In fact you only need to be your child’s emotional mentor for about 40% of the time. So what happens to the other 60%? In short – LIFE.

Let’s face it before kids we were in blissful ignorance as to just how much time they would take up and how busy our lives would become. Even though it is the most rewarding job in the world it is also the hardest and most time consuming.

In teaching emotional intelligence to our children we need to be aware of when it is appropriate to use the techniques outline in my other articles on emotional intelligence (see below for links if you haven’t read them yet) and also when it’s not appropriate.

When is Teaching Emotional Intelligence to your Child Not Appropriate.

1)When you are not alone with your child. This is even more important as our children get older and their peer groups have more and more influence in their lives.

When others are around teaching emotional intelligence to your child is unlikely to work because it is either too embarrassing for your child or too hard to get them to focus on their feelings.

However, it does not mean that you have to ignore social times altogether when teaching emotional intelligence to your child. It just means you need to delay your timing. Instead wait until you can get one on one time with your child before you practice the principles of emotional intelligence.

2) You are too busy to give the time to teach or build on your child’s emotional intelligence. For example, when you are rushing to work, an appointment or when you are trying to finish something are not suitable times. The same goes for your child, if they are engrossed in something they are more likely to resent the intrusion than welcome it as a time to share feelings.

If you like, however, you can test the waters but only if you are willing to put in the time needed. For example, make a comment on how you noticed your child was feeling and then leave it up to them to either continue or drop the subject.

Remember just like when other people are around you can also wait until it is more appropriate to teach emotional intelligence.

3) When either of you are too tired to talk about feelings. We are not at our best when we are tired so it is nearly always better to just let the moment go and discuss it later.

4) When watching TV. It is almost impossible to tune out to the television so either turn it off or wait until the show you are watching is over and then turn it off. Remember the people who make the shows and ads have spent millions of dollars researching how to engage us the most. They are experts at it, so the best way to fight this is to turn the television off.

5) When you child is misbehaving. At this time it is important to correct the wrong behaviour and deal with it first. You can still acknowledge that his feelings that lead to this behaviour are okay.

When is it a Good Time to Teach Emotional Intelligence?

This depends on you and your child. No one knows the both of you better then you do. This could be when you are home alone, when you are driving your child to his latest activity or at bed time (if you are not too tired).

I personally find bed time the best for teaching emotionally intelligence to my kids. I try and spend at least five minutes talking to them about their day and if it is appropriate we move on to talking about feelings and ways to deal effectively with them.

Another time good time to teach emotional intelligence is after a time out period for bad behaviour. Once we have dealt with the inappropriate behaviour I will try and talk to them about what was going on for them. Again at this time it is important to remember that all feelings are okay. I use this time to validate his feelings and then to discuss more appropriate ways to deal with the feelings.

To read more on teaching emotional intelligence to your child, click on one of the links below.