Authoritarian Parenting and Permissive Parenting StylesParenting styles are often discussed and researched in terms of how much demand (or control) the mother, father or primary care giver place on the child compared to how much responsiveness (love and affection) they give to their children. In terms of demand and responsiveness, authoritarian parenting and permissive parenting are the polar opposite of each other. Authoritarian parenting is where the parents are very demanding, in their expectations of the child, and of the level of obedience that they expect from the child. They are often seen as the very strict, controlling type of parent. The authoritarian parents shows little love towards the child and do not take into account the needs or feelings of the child when setting and enforcing the rules of the house. In direct contrast the permissive parent places very little demands on the child and therefore has very little control of the child. Instead the permissive parent is very responsive to the child and to his or her needs and desires. The parent gives the child plenty of love and affection but very little rules are set for the child. The child is generally in control of this household. This type of parent is often seen as the soft parent, the one who gives the child everything that the child wants. How Do These Types Of Parenting Affect The Child? Extensive research has consistently showed that both of these styles of parenting place limitations on the growth and development of their children. The children of authoritarian parents often will grow up to have self esteem issues and are less likely to cope with responsibility. As adults they are more likely to either become aggressive, act out in rebellious behavior or to become very passive and therefore let people walk all over them. That is they either take on the authoritarian style that they were taught as children or continue to be told what to do by others in positions of authority. The children of permissive parents often will grow up to be over confident, have entitlement issues (the world owes them a living) and often have little respect or compassion for others. These child become adults who constantly crave attention and often live for the now and are unable to wait for what they want. They have been taught to use tantrums and manipulation to get what they want and they often will bring these skills into adulthood. Examples from My Experience Remember how I mentioned earlier that unfortunately my family didn’t resemble the Brady Bunch, well here are a few examples where we had to learn the hard way, how not to parent. When our daughter was around two years of age, she started throwing tantrums. At the time my husband and I were very busy working in our own business, I was studying part time and our daughter was yet to sleep through the night. In this sleep deprive state we easily slipped into the authoritarian parenting way of dealing with her tantrums. We would refuse to budge from our position and send her to her room until she had settled down. This could take anywhere up to an hour. Nothing we tried worked; the tougher we got with her the worst she seemed to get. And worst still if she had a tantrum in the evening she would be even more restless at night giving us even less sleep. It wasn’t until a few months of this that I finally realized that the authoritarian parenting approach was only feeding her tantrums. She was copying our dogmatic style, the more frustrated and upset that we got with her; the more frustrated and upset she got with us. Once I stopped fighting with her, her tantrums started to reduce in time and in strength. Now I have learned to remain calm with her when she gets frustrated, not to react to her but to response to her with the love that I have for her. She doesn’t have tantrums anymore, although she will still get frustrated at times. For example, just the other night she was upset because she didn’t want to go to bed and she threw her book on the floor. So instead of being upset with her I quietly and calming picked up the book and explained to her that we do not treat books that way. I told her she needed to go to bed to get some sleep for pre-school tomorrow. Once she realized I was not going to let her stay up she got into bed, apologized and we continued on with our bedtime routine. An example from the permissive parenting style is with our normally placid son. At an early age he realized that both mum and dad would give in to him more easily when we were in public. Knowing that we would give in so as not to make a scene, whenever we went out he became more demanding and play up more when he didn’t get want he wanted. It wasn’t until we had booked a holiday that we decided we had to stop this behavior from both us and our son if we were to enjoy the holiday. So we adopted the attitude for the holiday that we do not know anyone, so therefore we do not care if our son plays up while we are out. We stopped giving in to his every desire and started to do what we thought was right. The first few times he cried and carried on expecting us to give in, but once he realized that no was still no, he stopped. He still tested us but quickly learned that what was no at home was no when we were out as well. From the above discuss it can be easily seen that both the Authoritarian and Permissive parenting styles are too extreme and only do more harm than good for our children. Instead a balance is needed to bring up our children to become self assured compassionate adults. This balance is what the experts call the authoritative parenting style. A balance where the parents place a high demand on the child but also takes into account the needs and feelings of the child and openly express their love for the child. To read more about authoritative parenting and to learn tips on how to be an authoritative parent click here Keep watching our website for the following articles to be posted soon.
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